I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
