Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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