I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Randomize
