I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
