I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
