You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
