remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
