So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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