I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I'm both gender and math confused
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
