based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
