I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
