We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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