need another drink. this is the easiest way
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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