May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I understand Curling. That high.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
