i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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