I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
