I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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