I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
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