Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
