Already got asked if we're dating
He uses pillows to masturbate.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
