I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
