My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
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