did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
