I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I understand Curling. That high.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
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