About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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