Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
