but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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