I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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