How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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