you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
