I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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