just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I'm way too hungover for life right now
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
