She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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