C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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