I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
