i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
