Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
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