ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
pop tarts are not kleenex
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
