saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Just high enough for therapy.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
