I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
