I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
