I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
