No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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