My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
