Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Randomize
