Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
The beer is more important than you right now.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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