Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
