your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
