theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
