she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
