if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
